


My Baby

by valerian_valentine



Category: Minecraft (Video Game), Video Blogging RPF
Genre: Animal Death, Blaze Hybrid Sapnap (Video Blogging RPF), Demons, Family, Family Fluff, Fire, Fluff, Gen, Growing Up, Kid Fic, Light Angst, Minecraft, Multi, Multiple Voices, Polyamory, The Nether (Minecraft), accidental murder
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-22
Updated: 2021-02-22
Packaged: 2021-03-12 06:26:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,050
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29630442
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/valerian_valentine/pseuds/valerian_valentine
Summary: How BadBoyHalo found Sapnap.
Relationships: Alexis | Quackity/Karl Jacobs/Sapnap, Cara | CaptainPuffy & Darryl Noveschosch, Clay | Dream & GeorgeNotFound & Sapnap (Video Blogging RPF), Darryl Noveschosch & Sapnap, Zak Ahmed/Darryl Noveschosch
Comments: 30
Kudos: 423





	My Baby

**Author's Note:**

> ⍑ᒷꖎꖎ𝙹 = hello  
> !¡ᔑ∷ᒷリℸ ̣ ᓭ = parents  
> ᒲ𝙹ᒲ = mom  
> ↸ᔑ↸ = dad  
> ↸ᔑ↸ᔑ = dada
> 
> TW: dream, sapnap and technoblade are all heavily implied to be child serial killers but don't worry about it.

BadBoyHalo sighed, checking his supplies for the final time. Pickaxe, sword, shield, wood, sticks, chests… Seemed like he had everything but something just kept nagging at him, telling him he forgot something, so he went through his things again. Pickaxe, sword, shield, wood, sticks, chests. Pickaxe, sword, shield, wood, sticks, chests. Pickaxe.. Sword.. Shield.. Wood.. Sticks.. Chests… He stared at the empty spaces before eventually just giving up, dunking his head down as he stepped through the portal, not wanting to hit his head for the hundredth time.

Hot air quickly filled the area around him, blasting him in the face and, as always, he quickly checked his clothes to make sure they didn’t singe off somehow. Once, a small cinder hit his clothes and started a fire and he didn’t notice until he was well away from the portal… That’s just the Nether for you! Once he made sure he was safe from any unexpected fashion disasters, he started his journey through the lava filled landscape, humming a happy tune to himself. This was far from his first time in the Nether but it was his first time actually looking for something. A villager, a cleric if his memory served him correctly, gave him a wonderful book talking about the dangerous fortresses scattered about, promising good loot and magical items if you managed to survive long enough. It also spoke of mobs born from hot cages, bits of some magical dragon spinning around them, spitting and spewing hot balls of fire and destruction right at you if you weren’t careful. It sounded like quite a fun time!

Although, finding a fortress wasn’t as easy as he had presumed. He walked and walked and walked and walked and walked and walked and- You get the gist. Walking for hours wasn’t a problem for him but it was starting to get annoying, the same mobs attacking him, the same biomes passing by… It was starting to get on his nerves until he ran right into a fortress. Literally. He didn’t even realize he was in one until halfway through the hallway.

The fortress was beautiful from what he could tell so far, strong bricks surrounding him, protecting him from the dangers outside while keeping the dangers inside. It was nice! Maybe he’d clear this place out and make it a cool secret hiding spot! 

He continued walking, much slower now, taking in the scenery. The brick was solid and ashy, spots showing clear signs of fear and tear while other spots looked good as new. Was someone cleaning the bricks? That would be weird. Occasionally there was a chunk missing or a sword stuck in the wall or the clear black splotch of an explosion but other than that it wasn’t all that detailed, not nearly as epic as the book had said but that was fine! He was just there to collect his blaze rods and be on his way.

He moved silently through the halls despite pounds of armour on his back, steps light and bouncy like he didn’t have a care in the world. He didn’t really, his day was going fairly well! His new muffin recipe turned out gr-

His ears twitched and turned at the sound of a baby crying, the noise echoing through the dense bricks. He started sprinting, armour clanking and chiming as his body was suddenly moved into motion, sword vibrating with power in his head, ready to be used. He ran past tempting chests, holes with bars as windows, an enderman- He did a double take on the Enderman but kept going, the crying growing closer.

“Hello? ⍑ᒷꖎꖎ𝙹?” He called out when he arrived in a small room with a staircase leading up, the sound of crying echoing off the walls. He made a few kissy noises, trying to find where the crying child was when he heard something he could only describe as a magical powering up followed by a screech before the tiniest fireball he’s ever seen hit his leg. His armour protected him, absorbing the small attack like it was nothing. He didn’t even feel any warmth in his leg.

“Uh…” He looked at the source of the attack, finally seeing a dusty looking child sitting in some sort of planter, red faced and sobbing as flames circled around them. He decided to take pity on the creature and gasped, clutching his leg. “Ouch! Oh no! My leg! It hurts, it burns! How will I ever recover?!” He cried out dramatically, shaking one fist at the sky before falling on his butt with a ‘bleh’, continuing his pained noises.

Slowly, but surely, the child's cries died down and it just stared at him before bursting into a bundle of giggles, it’s crooked baby teeth sinking right into his heart.

“Oh, well just look at you, you little muffinhead!” He cooed, wiggling a finger at the child. “What are you doing all the way out here? Did one of your parents lose you?” He questioned, scooting closer, keeping a happy and light tone so the child wouldn’t try attacking again. The flames swarming it started dying down and it made grabby hands at him, bouncing a little bit to communicate ‘upsies’.

“Such a cutie!” He reached out and picked up the child, tossing it up just a few inches to keep it happy. It looked pretty strange, tan skin covered in what seemed like permanent ash around it’s chubby little hands and feet, grime and dirt covering it’s bright orange eyes in a way that kinda reminded him of a panda. It was cute. “Where did you come from, huh? Well, you are just the cutest little muffin I’ve ever seen! A fighter too! Did I scare you earlier? Awh, I’m sorry!” He cooed, holding the child in his arms. It looked so tiny in his hands, he barely needed two hands to hold it.

The child squeaked and babbled in his arms, reaching out to grab at his face, tugging and squishing his cheeks just for fun, even trying to shove it’s hand into his mouth. Probably to check out his teeth, what a curious little cutie!

“No no, little muffin! Those teeth aren’t for you!” He gently pulled the baby’s hand away from his mouth, mindful of his sharp claws that could easily pierce it’s flesh. “Now, do you know where your parents are? Where’s mommy and daddy?” He asked, looking around. The place seemed pretty empty, the only noise around them being popping lava and burning items.

The baby babbled and cooed, holding his hand tightly, unafraid of his sharp and demonic appearance. “Baba!” The baby told him, big, innocent eyes looking at him with adorable fascination.

“Awhh.. Well, let’s look around for a little bit, okay? See if we can find your muffin head parents. Is that okay? !¡ᔑ∷ᒷリℸ ̣ ᓭ? ᒲ𝙹ᒲ? ↸ᔑ↸?” He tried to communicate with the baby, hoping a word would stick.

“↸ᔑ↸ᔑ!” The baby responded, brightening up and wiggling around happily, squealing and giggling.

“Yeah! Where’s your ↸ᔑ↸ᔑ? Do you know where he is?” Bad asked, hopeful the child would tell him but instead it grabbed his face again, tugging at his skin.

“↸ᔑ↸ᔑ!” The baby said again, squealing and giggling as it messed with his face.

“Wha- No, you little muffin! I’m not your dada!” He tried to reason with the baby, letting it mess and play with his face before just giving up. It wouldn’t hurt to have the child under his protection for a while.. Right? “Alright, I’ll be ↸ᔑ↸ᔑ for now…” He ceded, giving into the little muffins wants. “I need to keep moving around and searching for treasure, is that okay with you?”

“Uuhh!” The baby shouted, the biggest grin on its face.

“Oh, good job!” He praised, chuckling. What a cutie!

Adventuring with a baby on your chest was quite the challenge. He had constructed a baby swing with his scarf so the child could stay close without taking up precious hand space but still, even that was presenting its own unique challenges.

Like the fact every time the baby ‘powered up’, it would almost burn his face which wasn’t very nice when fighting mobs but it was better than abandoning a child. By the time they got to the portal, his inventory was full of sweet loot and he was exhausted, hot and tired. He just wanted to go home and rest but..

“I’m sorry muffin but I don’t think you go into the overworld..” He told the child, flinching when the screaming and crying started. “Oh come now, don’t be like- Alright!” He shouted, quickly growing sick of the crying, “I’ll take you with me! Jeez, just- Slow your roll!” He tucked the screeching muffin head back into the sling and took a deep breath. Hopefully he could find it’s parents tomorrow.. He stepped through the portal and the second he stepped out, the child threw up on him and started sobbing again, clearly upset by the sudden change in scenery.

“No no no, it’s okay! It’s okay!” He tried to comfort the child, taking it out of the now vomit covered sling, holding it against his shoulder and patting it’s back. “You’re okay, you’re okay! It’s okay, I know, I know..” He soothed, bouncing side to side a bit. “I know, it’s so scary but you’ll be okay! I’ll protect you, promise. You’re such a good-... Well, I don’t know what you are yet but you’re a good muffin! Yeah, such a good muffin!” He cooed, flinching when warm liquid hit his shoulder blade. “Poor baby.. Don’t worry, Skeppy was like that his first teleport too.” He chuckled as the memory surfaced and gently cradled the child, wiping vomit off it’s face. “Poor little muffin, let’s get you inside.” He smiled, watching the child slowly stop crying. To babys, a sudden change in scenario wasn’t a huge deal because every change in scenario was sudden! Going into a different room was a big adventure for them!

He started making his way back to the village, silently cursing himself for not making the portal closer to his house but it would be fine for now, he just needed a roof and a bath to get this little one happy. Maybe a fire too.. He really hoped the village still had it’s campfires going.

“Bad!” A familiar voice called out to him and he barely suppressed a surprised squeak, whirling around to face whatever was trying to get his attention.

“Puffy!” He greeted, smiling down at the small sheep. “Thank goodness! Do you have any experience with children?” He asked desperately, groaning when the child in his arms started crying again.

“Wh- How’d you know?” She asked, earning a confused look before she turned around, showing the child hanging from a sling on her back, hair tied up to keep it from suffocating the small muffin.

“Oh! Hello there!” He greeted, smiling as the child but the other child started crying the second it saw his face. That wasn’t unusual, many children sobbed when they first met him but that didn’t make it hurt any less. “Oh.. Sorry..”

“Eh, it’s fine.” She waved off his worries, moving the sling around so the child was against her chest and she started bouncing a bit to comfort it. “So… Looks like we’re both parents now?” She suggested, eyeing the crying bundle in his arms.

“Oh! Right!” He crouched down, letting her get a good look at the grubby child. “I found him in the Nether, he was hanging out in a fortress.” He told her, cooing to the child to comfort it but that just caused a louder cry to ring out from it’s tiny mouth.

“Jeez, for something so tiny it sure is loud.. You sure you didn’t get it from the jungle? Kinda looks like a panda with those markings!” She pointed out, smiling at the baby. “Hi there cutie! Who made you, huh?”

Bad chuckled, standing up straight before his knees ended up hurting. “I tried finding its parents but there was nothing. I tried showing the mods there but they didn’t even try to not hurt it, poor thing… I was just about to get it inside and wash up the little thing, wanna join me? Sorry for my appearance, the poor thing doesn’t like portals all that much.” He apologized, guiding Puffy to his house.

“No worries! Oh- You think it could be hungry? Poor thing seems to have thrown up everything it had.” She suggested, observing the puke on his chest and back. “Yuck.. Isn’t that right, Dream? Yuck!” She cooed to the child, smiling as it started giggling, it’s sobs dissolving.

“Dream?” He asked, opening the door to his house for Puffy before ducking in, immediately going to the bathroom. The house was small so they could keep talking no matter where they were.    
“Yeah! Saw the little bugger in my dreams right before I found him! Poor kid was all alone.” She explained, going into the kitchen. “What do you think your kid eats? Meat?”

“Just get one of everything and we’ll see what sticks!” He replied, turning on the faucet and waited for it to get hot before plugging the drain. “Don’t worry, muffin, you’ll be nice and warm soon..” He cooed, listening to the child's sobs of, hopefully, just hunger. He turned the child around and gently held it’s chubby wrist, wanting the child to see what was happening so it wouldn’t be that scared. “See? Look at that!” He gently guided it’s hand into the water and nearly dropped the baby when it screeched at the top of it’s lungs, it’s hand sizzling in the water. He yanked it away, backing up in a panic, shaking. “It’s okay! It’s okay, I’m so sorry, I’m so so sorry, I didn’t know!” He apologized, checking it’s hand. It’s fingers were swollen and pale, clearly showing signs of frostbite. “Oh-” He stopped himself before he swore and held the baby close, shaking as Puffy stumbled in, clearly just as panicked as he was.

“What happened?!” She saw the full sink and immediately reached in, unplugging the drain. “Fuck, I should’ve known it wouldn’t like water… Let me see.” She reached out for the baby.

Bad rapidly shook his head, turning so she could only see his shoulder. “No!” He shouted, terrified she’d end up accidentally hurting the child too. He forced himself to take a deep breath and cycled through the options before shoving past Puffy, holding the child close to his face so she had no chance of grabbing him.

“Ba- Bad! What are you doing?” She questioned but he ignored her, going up to his furnace tower.

He crouched down, quietly cooing to his baby as he opened up a furnace, holding the baby directly in front of it, ignoring Puffys terrified shout. The baby slowly stopped sobbing and reached out, making grabby hands at the fire while it’s own flames popped and crackled around it. It held it’s injured hand up to the fire and squealed happily when the fire licked at it, warming up the freezed flesh.

“There’s a chest under my bed, inside is a potion of healing. Get it.” He ordered his friend, slowly setting the baby down in front of the flame, letting it sit right in front of the fire, the child babbling happily. He listened to Puffy’s hooves rapidly click along the floor, rushing to his room to get the potion.

“↸ᔑ↸ᔑ'ᓭ here… I’m here, little panda, I’m here..” He whispered, smiling when his little panda giggled. “Yeah, it’s okay..”

“Pana!” The muffin repeated happily, grinning up at him with crooked little teeth.

Puffy’s footsteps neared again and he turned around, reaching out for the potion, holding it tight when it was handed to him, feeling a pang of guilt when he saw Puffy’s scared expression.

“Frostbite. I should’ve known that would have happened..” He informed her, turning back to his kid and popped open the bottle. “Here we go.” He held the bottle up to his little muffin's mouth and tilted it up, watching the cutie drink it down. Red swirls started circling it’s tiny body and he took the bottle away, finally relaxing when it’s hand healed up. “There we go! All better! All better!” He corked the bottle, setting it aside, admiring his baby's happy look.

“Bad…” Puffy started before sinking to the floor, letting out a loud sigh. “I thought you were gonna cook the little fella! Man, we’re both stupid!” She laughed, the anxiety in her voice slowly melting away.

“I should have known better, the muffin is half blaze, I think. Shot me with the tiniest fire ball when I found it.” He told her, gently scooping his new kid up into his arms, closing the furnace before they started a fire. He scooted around so he could actually see Puffy, a tired smile on his face.

“A fighter! Dream here didn’t do nuffin’ like that, just ran right into my arms! Kinda. Stumbled a lot and didn’t get to his feet but the motivation was there.” She chuckled, wiggling a finger in front of Dream’s face, the little kid seemingly unaffected by the screaming and panic that just happened. “But if we can’t use water, how are we gonna wash the little sucker?” She questioned, looking the little panda over.

“Well… What’s the opposite of water?” He prompted, anxiety quickly growing in his stomach. Lava was a logical decision but the idea of just dipping his kid into a pool of lava made him want to puke and snarl at the next person who even thought about looking at his little muffin head.

“Well… Maybe we get a cauldron? Hold the kid near it and if it seems content with the temperature, we just.. Dip it in but we should probably feed it first.” She took a breath before getting up again, reaching into one of his chests and took out a steak. “Let’s see what those little chompers do with this!”

“Shouldn’t we make it into a mash or something first? I mean, I don’t even think it’s one yet..” He held his baby protectively, terrified of it choking.

“Hmm..” He watched the gears turn in Puffy’s head before an imaginary light bulb went off. “I got it!” She set the meat on the counter and cut off a small piece, tearing up the small piece with her hands, mushing the meat until it was small enough that the risk of it making his panda choke was slim to none. “How about this?”

He eyed the food warily before nodding. “Let’s try..” He reached out, cringing as the mushed meat hit his hand and picked out a tiny piece with his claws, holding the meat in front of his little panda. “How’s this? Think you can eat a bit of steak?” He asked the baby, smiling when it happily took the meat, watching it ‘chew’ before swallowing and patting it’s hands for more.

“Eureka!” Puffy cheered, cutting a few smaller pieces off the steak, giving Dream a few bits to snack on while she tore apart and mashed the others.

He slowly fed his new baby, completely entranced by it, whispering praises and encouragement, hoping the child would know just how much he loved him.

* * *

“DAAAAAAAAAAAD!” A young, high pitched voice screeched, followed by the sound of small, thumping footsteps, the noise gaining the attention of a certain nine foot tall demon.

“Yes, Sappy nappy?” Bad set his knife aside, out of the reach of grubby little hands. “I thought I said no running in the house, you could really hurt yourself.” He lightly scolded, crouching down just in time to catch his little demon.

“Hi!” Sapnap ignored his scolding completely, looking a bit anxious. Hopefully one of them didn’t get in trouble again. “Dream’s talking to Philza, like, right now!”

Bad tilted his head, hoping this wasn’t one of their little pranks. “Oh really?” He questioned, standing up straight. “Are you sure you aren’t just being a little muffin head again?” He crossed his arms, looking down at his defiant little child.

“It’s true! Mr Philza is here and he has some weird kid with him! He’s got pig feet and a pig nose and pig ears-”

“Is he a pig?”

“He might be a pig, I dunno!”

Bad sighed and picked up his throwing knife, putting it back in the chest where it belonged. “Alright, alright, take me to them.” He requested, leaning down so Sapnap could take his hand and lead him right to where Philza supposedly was.

The second he saw Philza standing in the middle of town, talking to Dream, he knew something was up. A child, a bit older than Dream, stood next to him, glaring down the other child with silent threats of death in its eyes, the presence of the kid making his top lip curl back and his talons sharpen but he calmed himself. No good causing a scene in the middle of the day.

“Philza! Long time no see!” He greeted cheerfully, watching Sapnap closely as he ran ahead and barreled right into his friend, the two clinging to each other as they glared at the humanoid pig.

“Oh, glad to see ya mate!” Philza grinned, eyes crinkling in the corners. “I see you and your boys are eating well! These two have gotten so big I barely even recognized them!”

Bad stopped right in front of Philza, smiling at him and his new friend while his tail sneakily herded his kids behind him. “They might get as tall as me if we aren’t careful!” He joked, noting the pigs' fearful look. “Well, hello there!” He leaned down to get a proper look at the child, smile widening when it backed up quickly. “Now, who’s this little muffin?”

“Bad, this is Technoblade. Technoblade, this is Bad.” Philza introduced them, putting a hand on Technos shoulder. “Sorry, we must’ve given you a heart attack when you first saw us! See,  _ someone _ ,” He gave Dream a pointed look, “was caught pickpocketing things from my own jacket! I was quite surprised that I didn’t see him until Techno here…” Philza laughed nervously, giving him a guilty look.

“Techno what?” Bad questioned politely, folding his hands in front of himself while his boys whispered to themselves behind him, discussing how scary Techno looked. 

“Technoblade protects Philza!” The pig snorted but his anger and confidence quickly got squashed when Bad set his eyes on him.

“Hush, Techno!” Philza scolded, sighing. “Techno tackled Dream and they had a pretty big scuffle. I pulled them apart before anything too horrible happened but it was a bit scary for all of us!” Philza laughed nervously, obviously trying to remain on Bad’s good side. “I asked Sapnap to go get you, I should have told him to hurry a touch bit. No one’s hurt, don’t worry! Just a bit frightening, mate!”

Bad huffed and turned around, setting his sights on the children behind him. “Dream..” He let his demonic accent seep in, multiple voices hissing and whispering out of his mouth. He leaned down and picked Dream up with ease, glaring at him. “Did you try to pickpocket Mr Philza?” He questioned, pulling his lip back to show his fangs.

“Y-Yeah…” Dream admitted quietly, already beginning to sniffle as he waited for the upcoming telling off.

Bad growled, bringing Dream closer before he dropped the demon persona, instead lightly bonking his head on Dreams. “You know better!” He scolded, setting Dream down. “What have I told you about pickpocketing?!”

“Only muffin heads do it..” Dream and Sapnap recited, the two looking guilty.

“Only muffin heads do that!” He repeated, shaking his head. “You two should know better by now, that was very bad! What if Philza didn’t recognize it was you, huh? Do you think he would have saved you? What if Techno had hurt you and I wasn’t here to save you? You two, apologize, now!” He demanded, hands on his hips.

“Oh, no need mate, they already-” Philza cut himself off when Bad glared at him, not wanting to make him upset either.

“We’re sorry..” Dream and Sapnap apologized in unison, Dream reaching into his pocket and handing Philza the few trinkets he must have nabbed.

“How did you- Eh, doesn’t really matter, I suppose. You’re forgiven boys but be more careful next time!” Philza told the kids, smiling down at them while Technoblade just glared.

“I apologize as well, Dreams been on a bit of a sticky fingers kick lately so I suggest keeping your valuables close.” He apologized, leaning down a touch in a slight bow.

“Oh, no worries, mate! I finally understand your child plight! I’ve got Techno to worry about now and in fact, we were just visiting to ask you for some advice!” Philza patted Techno’s shoulder, grinning wide while Techno seemed like he wanted to ground to swallow him up and hide him.

“I see.. I’m impressed, seems like you’ve got yourself a good muffin!” He praised, looking over Techno. The poor child was covered in scars and seemed out of place in his clothes. “Not a lot of people are brave enough to go against Dream.”

“Why? He’s tiny.” Techno pointed out, glaring up at him but, once again, his confidence crumbled and he avoided eye contact, clearly scared of the demon in front of him.

“You’ll find out soon enough, Techno. Now, why don’t we all go to my house, hm? It’s gotten a few renovations since the last time you were here so don’t be startled!” He warned, beginning to lead them back to his house. Philza followed him, Techno sticking right by his side while Sapnap and Dream ran around Bad’s legs, play fighting now that they weren’t in trouble.

“Sounds great, mate! I’ve missed your baking, it’s been a while and Techno here can show you how to make the best cup of tea you’ve ever had!” Philza bragged, keeping pace easily.

“Sounds stupid!” Sapnap piped up, sticking his tongue out at Technoblade which earned him a warning snort.

“Sapnap, don’t be rude. Why don’t you and Dream run ahead and fix up the guest rooms? If you two do well, I  _ might _ make pancakes tomorrow morn-” Before Bad could finish his sentence, the two were off, racing down the streets to get the house ready for company.

“Goodness those two have grown a lot..” Philza chuckled, looking nostalgic. “I see they’re still huge handfuls but you seem to be handling it well, mate.”

Bad chuckled, nodding. “Barely. They get stronger and rowdier by the day. Speaking of our little handfuls, Techno,” He tried not to laugh when the pig jumped, “I should officially welcome you here. How are you enjoying your stay with Philza?”

“Uhh..” The child looked at Philza nervously, shrinking when all he got was a reassuring nod. “Good.”

“Relax, Techno, Bad wouldn’t hurt a soul. He’s helped me out more times than I can count, you shouldn’t be worried about him.” Philza reassured Techno and Bad didn’t have the heart to tell him his fear was justified.

Bad sat next to Philza, cup of tea in hand as he watched the kids play out in the yard. Sapnap was having the time of his life tackling and chasing Dream around while Techno quietly sat underneath a tree, watching the two play. The sun was still bright in the sky, shining down on all of them, providing warmth and comfort but a storm was coming, closing in from the horizon. Only a few moments left of sunlight before they would have to get back inside.

“So, mate, I’ve got a few questions to ask you..” Philza started, his voice low so the children couldn’t hear him.

“Shoot.”

Philza grimaced, eyes never leaving Sapnap and Dream. “Have your kids ever done something horrible without realizing it..?”

Images of screaming people and burning buildings flashed through his head. “Like what?”

“Like… Hurting other people and… And not knowing it’s wrong.. Just staring up at you with those sweet little eyes, completely unaware of the atrocities they commited..” Philza whispered, his voice shaking as he spoke, clearly living through one of his memories as the sun slowly got blocked by thick grey clouds.

“Hmm… Not that I can remember.” He lied right through his teeth, smiling when he caught Techno staring at him, sighing when the muffin got startled. “Poor thing… How’d you find him?”

“Next to a river.. He was homeless and I took him in, in exchange for cleaning duties. He’s a hard worker but Bad-” A clap of thunder interrupted him and Bad watched as Dream instinctively covered Sapnap with his body.

Bad got up, squinting at the storm rolling in. “Alright, boys! Inside, inside!” He beckoned, opening the door so they could run right in, looking back at Philza. “We’ll talk more once the kids are properly safe.” He promised, Dream and Sapnap barrelling past him and into the house, shouting about the upcoming rainfall while Technoblade just got up and stood by Philzas side, trying to hide behind him a bit, clearly scared of Bad.

“Alright, let’s get going before the sky started leaking again, Techno.” Philza grunted when he got up, face wincing at pain he couldn’t see. He’d have to fix him a potion or two later.

Bad held the door open for the two, waiting until they were properly inside and roaming before he went in as well, locking the door behind himself and wiped his clawed feet on the mat beneath him. “Dream! Go get a fire ready before Sapnap gets too cold!” He called out into the house, silently cursing himself for the hundredth time for not finding a village in the desert to reside in. Sapnap would be so much happier there..

“Techno, go help Dream start a fire. I’ll be right in the kitchen with Bad.” Philza urged him to get moving, smiling kindly at Techno’s terrified look. “They won’t bite, promise.” Philza reassured him and Bad watched as the pig slowly went to join the other kids, clearly terrified of having Philza out of his sights.

“He’s so obedient.. I might have him teach Sapnap and Dream how to be good muffins!” Bad joked, taking Philza to the kitchen, ears perked back so he could hear the boys clearly. Sapnap was talking about building a pillow fort while Techno insulted Dream on his log choice.

“Well, that’s what I wanted to talk about…” Philza sighed, sitting in one of the chairs with a huff. “Jeez, these bones aren’t what they used to be..”

“I’ll have Skeppy take you to one of the springs nearby. Now, tell me, what’s troubling you? You seem…” Bad trailed off, making a vague gesture.

“I know, I know, mate… I..” Philza sighed, rubbing his temples. “I think I’m harboring a war criminal, Bad… This poor kid talks about voices in his head and when I first found him his clothes were stained with blood and it was all under his fingernails and… He defended me from a zombie.. Killed it within seconds, didn’t even blink at it..” He admitted, voice low and terrified. “He… I brought another kid home, just temporarily to comfort the child and next thing I knew…” He shuddered, taking a moment before continuing. “I found them face down in the sink and Techno had scratches all over his arm.”

Bad watched him closely, slowly nodding as he listened. “I see.” He murmured, going quiet. The boys were fine, Dream was lecturing Techno about how to properly grapple someone and he heard the fire crackling. They were okay. “I’ve gone through similar things.. It’s not easy taking care of a young blaze, the poor muffin can barely control his powers now and I fear for the day he reaches puberty…” He admitted, sipping his tea. It was good, he’d have to ask Techno for a lesson. “But I might have a few tricks to help Techno sort of… Relax. Muffle the voices until he’s old enough to defy the temptations they present. See, when I was much younger, I heard similar things. Don’t worry, don’t worry.” He chuckled at Philza’s terrified look. “That doesn’t mean your new friend is a demon or anything. If he was, he wouldn’t look so scared of me. There aren’t any cures, as far as I know, but there are ways to nullify it.”

Philza nodded eagerly, looking desperate. “Please. Techno just doesn’t know what he’s doing, he’s a good kid, mate. You understand.”

Bad nodded. “He definitely likes you. What you need to do is properly scold him every time he does something bad, whether it be hurting others or stealing. You need to make sure he has a proper guilt response so he doesn’t get too out of control. I’ll send you home with a few herbs and some potions that’ll help along with a book or two on how to properly handle this.”

Philza sighed with relief, visibly relaxing. “Thanks, mate. I thought I’d be hiding bodies for-”

“HEY!!” Dream shouted and Bad was up in seconds, racing to the living room. Techno was standing there with a shocked look, staring at Sapnap who just sat in the fireplace while Dream stood in between Techno and Sapnap.

“What is going on in here?!” Bad shouted, multiple voices repeating him as he opened his mouth, teeth bared and chest rumbling as he got ready to break up a fight. Dream and Techno cowered at his image while Sapnap crawled out of the fireplace without fear, hair on fire and eyes glowing orange, small bits of fire swirling around him.

“Techno pushed me into the fireplace!!” Sapnap shouted, burning the ground below him.

“Techno!” Philza chastised and started to apologize but Bad was already looming over Techno, snarling at the little boy as his body grew, preparing to defend his child.

“ _ You did what? _ ” His mouth glowed white, casting light on Technos terrified face as the air crackled between the two. “ _ I will fea- _ ” A glowing sword was shoved between them, preventing Bad from getting closer. He snarled at the culprit, looking right into Philza’s eyes but instead of backing off, Philza just stared back, not backing down from his stance.

“I can scold my own boy, thank you very much Bad.” Philza said coldly, grabbing Techno and pulling him close. “I think it’s time you comfort your own boys before they see something they might not like.” He threatened, gripping his sword tightly.

Bad stared at the two, air charged with energy as he searched Philza’s eyes for any sign of wavering confidence or a bluff but found nothing, his mind encouraging him to bite their heads off but Skeppy would be pretty upset if they weren’t friends with Philza anymore.. “ _ Warn your child of the dangers of attempting to harm what’s mine before it is much too late. _ ” He advised before forcing himself to relax, slowing down his breathing and quieting the voices. “You know where the guest room is. Dream will come get you when it’s time for dinner.”

Philza nodded and hesitated before sheathing his sword, grabbing Technos hand and quickly left the room with him, disappearing down the hall. Sapnap mimicked Bads snarl and threw a medium sized fireball where they were standing, clearly still upset.

“Sapnap.” He warned, looking down at his two muffins and took a moment before softening. “Are you two okay? No bumps or bruises?” He questioned, crouching down to get a good look at them.

Dream went right into his arms, hugging him tightly. “I’m sorry, I saw what Techno was about to do but I couldn’t stop him!” Dream cried, clinging to him while Sapnap looked guilty, slowly powering down, the air cooling off now that he wasn’t on fire.

“Don’t apologize Dream, Sapnap didn’t get hurt and that’s what matters. You did a good job, shouting at him.” He comforted the little guy, reaching out for Sapnap who quickly joined the hug too.

“I could’ve taken him myself..” Sapnap mumbled, still warm.

“Sapnap, Dream.” Bad pulled away from the hug just enough to look down at them. “You should never pick a fight with Technoblade. The best thing you can do in the middle of a fight is run away and get me or Skeppy, do you understand?” The two nodded, looking sad. “You find the nearest adult and you hide behind them. You are both too young to be getting into fights like that, do you understand? Next time either of you get in trouble or feel threatened, you grab the other and you get me, Skeppy or Puffy.”

“Would Philza protect us too…?” Sapnap asked quietly. He was so young but he already understood conflicts of interest.

Bad sighed. “It would depend but for now, just got to me, Skeppy or Puffy. You’ll understand that judgement call when you’re older.” He leaned down and kissed both of their heads, trying to lighten up the mood. “How do we feel about cake for dinner?” He questioned, chuckling when he got cheers and requests for different types of cake.

“Sorry for pushin’...” Techno apologized, guilt ridden. It was long after dinner time and Bad had just finished getting the dishes done when the little pig slunk out of the hallway, clearly nervous.

Bad took a breath and crouched down, smiling at the dumb muffin head in front of him. “Techno, Philza told me that you have voices, right? Did the voices tell you to do it?” He asked quietly, not wanting the other kids to hear him.

Techno slowly nodded, refusing to make eye contact, eyes finding various shapes in the floor.

“I used to have voices too, ya know.” That got Techno’s attention immediately. “It’s true. They would tell me horrible things. Told me to hurt my friends, to become a monster… But I found a way to sort of.. Mute them for a while. Nothing much, just sort of turn down their ability to submit input. I’m going to give Philza a few things that’ll help you, okay? In the meantime, you need to start learning how to pick and choose your battles. If you hurt Sapnap or Dream, you’ll have multiple powerful adults right there to hurt you back and Philza won’t be able to protect you. I suggest you read this.” He handed the boy a small book, smiling when his eyes lit up. “It’ll teach you how to properly pick and choose your fights. Sun Tzu helped me a lot and I’m sure he’ll help you too.”

“Thank you but.. I don’t read.” Techno frowned, finally looked at him. He seemed a lot less scared now but the apprehension was still there.

“You’ll learn, Philza will teach you. You’re a good muffin, okay, Techno? You just need to learn when to quit.” He patted the pigs head before standing up, looking down on him. “I hope you learn a lot next time we cross paths, Technoblade.”

* * *

Bad watched his pretty quartz floors get covered in soot as Sapnap moped around, shuffling his feet along the slick floor. He was covered in soot and ash, one arm still smouldering while his other one (his lucky one), stayed a normal color.

“How was blaze practice…?” He hesitantly asked, flinching when Sapnap immediately groaned and started lighting up again. Luckily, their house was almost completely burn proof, the quartz unable to light up.

“My arm still won’t fudgin’ light! What’s wrong with me?!” Sapnap shouted before flopping on the couch, groaning as he started smouldering the piece of furniture. Right. He forgot to enchant it.

“Sappy Nappy, nothing’s wrong with you! These things just.. Happen! Think of it like a battle scar or something!” He tried to comfort his son, sitting next to him, just far enough to not get burned.

“I don’t wanna battle scar!! All the other blazes can shoot their fireballs all over the place, it’s not fair!” Sapnap shouted into the couch, kicking his feet for extra dramatics.

Bad sighed, reaching out to lightly pat Sapnaps head. “I know, hun, I know…” He tried to think of ways to comfort him, feeling guilty about his lucky arm. It was his fault for numbing it anyway, if only he had used common sense and realized that blaze babies don't go in the water, no matter how hot it was. “Why don’t we go for a trip to the desert? That always brightens you up!” He suggested, hoping Sapnaps happiness would get rid of his guilt.

“There’s no point if Dream’s not there to throw sand at.” Sapnap grumbled before rolling over, looking up at the ceiling with a glare and a pout. He was completely covered in various grime and Bad decided against suggesting a lava bath. The poor boy was missing his friend, no point in making him self conscious about his appearance too.

“Well… Maybe we could find some new friends to play with-”

“You just don’t understand!” He suddenly shouted, rolling off the couch with a thump before hopping back up and storming off to his room, slamming the door shut. Loud, sad music soon followed.

Bad sighed and tried his best not to grab the nearest pillow and scream into it, instead putting out the small fire that was starting to ignite on his couch and got up, getting ready to scrub the markings off the floor and order a new couch. Maybe Puffy could nab him some sort of fire resistant cloth that he could use to cover everything but for now, he would just have to deal with it.

Bads ears perked up when he heard the door open and tried not to squeal when he saw his tiny partner stroll right in.

“Hey Ba- Woah, what the fuck?” Skeppy raised an eyebrow at the burnt floor, very obviously confused.

“Language. Sapnap just got back from some blaze practice in the woods and forgot to cool off properly before coming back in, it’s fine. I was just about to clean it up.” He explained, grabbing their mop bucket.

“Yikes, kid needs to learn how to control his emotions a bit more… Well, I brought your mail. A letter from Philza, one from Antfrost, two from me that I’m sure you’ll love and one from Dream, for Sapnap.” Skeppy handed over the, having to stand on his tiptoes to reach his hand.

“Oh! Thank you, you’re so kind!” Bad reached down, taking the mail and patted Skeppys head before going through it, separating the ones for him and the one for Sapnap. “Sapnap! Mail from Dream!” He shouted, picking up Skeppy and carried him to the kitchen, putting him on the counter.

“Thanks.” Skeppy thanked him, taking a muffin the size of his head off of a tray. “How’s Sapnap handling the sep-”

Sapnap came barreling in, spreading ash everywhere. “That’s mine!” He shouted, snatching the mail from Bad’s hand and tore open the envelope, eagerly reading every word.

“Yikes.” Skeppy mumbled, guarding his muffin from the cloud of ash.

“Sappy Nappy, I think you should go wash up, you’re getting-” Bad got interrupted by Sapnap setting fire to the letter, the paper crumbling into nothingness in his tightly clenched hands. “Sappy Na-”

“FUCK YOU!” Sapnap shouted at him, his body starting to ignite. “Why didn’t you let me go with Dream?! Why are you so fucking protective all the damn time?! Do you want me to die alone?!” Sapnap yelled, his voice cracking while fire spread from his palm to his shoulder.

Bad held his hands up, trying to reason with him. “Sapnap, you know it would be too dangerous-”

“I DON’T CARE!! I hate you, I hate you, I hate you!” Sapnap screeched before storming outside, probably going to set some things on fire, leaving Bad to stare at the burned marks on the ground and ceiling, heart aching.

“Bad..” Skeppy murmured, reaching out to comfort him.

“Geppy..” Bad started crying, turning around to hug his best friend, shoulders shaking. “Geppy, he hates me!”

“He just doesn’t understand yet, he doesn’t hate you, Bad..” Skeppy tried to comfort him, wrapping his arms around his neck. “You’re a good dad, he’d never hate you.”

“B-But he just said!”

“He’s being stupid and emotional, he’ll come back and apologize soon.” Skeppy reassured him, rubbing his back. “It’s in his nature to be hot headed like that.”

Bad continued to sob, feeling like this was the end of the world for him. Sapnap has been his whole life for years now, he’s dedicated hours upon hours just to him but what if the feelings of familial love weren’t mutual? What if Sapnap didn’t love him, what if he just viewed him as someone that housed him? The thoughts surrounded his mind for hours, like walking through a dark room full of needles, never knowing what was going to stab you next. He tried to distract himself, making Sapnaps favorite meal, cleaning the house, even hiding some candy in Sapnaps ‘secret’ snack drawer! But nothing was working and he ended up sitting in his room, crying, wondering when his baby was going to get back home for supper. His plate was still in the dying furnace, desperately trying to keep the food warm until Sapnap came back.

Bad sniffled and wiped the tears off his face for the tenth time before dissolving into another round of sobs, shoulders shaking. He knew Sapnap was just being emotional, he knew Sapnap was going to come back soon but what if he really hated him? What if his baby already outgrew him and no longer saw him as a parental figure? What if.. What if his baby never saw him as a parental figure…? The idea sent shocks of emotional pain through him along with more sobs, the noises echoing off the quartz walls. He built this house for his baby, he altered his diet for his baby, he changed  _ everything _ for his baby and it was all for nothing. He should have just let Sapnap go on that stupid boat with Dream!

“Daaad…?” A voice echoed through the house, halting his sadness. He rushed out of his bedroom and nearly fell to his knees when he saw Sapnap standing there awkwardly, running over and sweeping him up into his arms.

“Sapnap! Oh my  _ gods _ , I thought you had gotten hurt!” He nearly cried, holding his son tightly, completely ignoring the ash cloud around them.

“I’m sorry..” Sapnap mumbled, hugging him back. He was freezing, he must’ve cooled down a while ago.

“Are you okay? You’re freezing cold, do you need a jacket? Should I start up the fire?” He questioned, pulling away to check him over for injuries. 

“I-I’m fine, it was just chilly and I was too tired to start my own fire..” He mumbled, eyes puffy and red. He must’ve been crying too.

Before Bad could ask more questions, Sapnap started sniffling and crying, his bottom lip trembling. “Do you think Dream still needs me..?” He asked before the dam broke and he was full on sobbing in his arms.

“Oh baby..” Bad held him tightly, gently rubbing his back like he used to when his baby was barely big enough to take up two handfuls. “Dream will always need you. He’s your best friend.”

“B-But he keeps sending letters about all the ne-new friends he’s making and-and he never asks about me and-and-” Sapnap hiccuped before crying again, his body heating up from his emotional state.

“I promise, Dream isn’t going to leave you for some guy he met a week ago. You two have been friends for years! Friends since I found you! He’s never going to abandon you.” Bad reassured him, picking him up to comfort him just like he did when he was a baby. “There, there, you’re okay..” He hummed as Sapnap cried out, his small limbs clinging to him. 

“I-I just feel like I’m getting left behind..” Sapnap admitted when he calmed down a bit, his voice quiet and shaky.

“Sappy Nappy, you know Dream would never leave you behind! If anything, he worries about  _ you _ leaving  _ him _ behind. His powers haven’t matured yet while yours have, I’m sure he’s worried about you getting big and strong before him.”

“B-But… That’s pretty stupid..” Sapnap sniffled, leaning back so he could rub the tears from his eyes.

“Just like it’s pretty stupid to think about him leaving you, huh?” Bad smiled, still managing to keep Sapnap in his arms. “You two are the closest friends I have ever seen. You’ll always be at each other's sides, I’m sure of it.” He reassured him, kissing his baby's head for extra comforting.

Sapnap yawned, obviously tired from all the anger and the burning and the crying, resting his sweet little head on Bad’s shoulder. “If you say so.. Can you take me to bed..? I’m really tired..” He asked, sniffling.

“Of course.” Bad carried him to his bedroom, trying to make as little noise as possible as he tucked him in, even tucking the blanket under him so he was nice and snug. He turned on Sapnaps heater and put it on a low setting before giving Sapnap a goodnight forehead kiss and silently left, closing the door behind him. Sapnap would always be his little baby.

* * *

“Oh. My. Gosh!!” Bad squealed, leaning down to get a good look at the humans in front of him. “You must be Sapnaps boyfriends! Oh my goodness, you two are just the cutest things I’ve ever seen!” He cooed, reaching out to pinch one of their cheeks but quickly got stopped with a karate chop from Sapnap who obviously ran through the house just to stop him.

“Bad, you’re being embarrassing!” He scolded him, looking completely unaware he still had on a pink apron.

“Nice outfit, Sappy.” One of the humans teased, the other one giggling before sticking their hand out towards Bad.

“Hi, I’m Karl and this is Quackity! It’s a pleasure to meet you Mr Halo!” Karl introduced himself, seemingly completely unafraid by Bad’s appearance until he shook his hand, talons and hand completely encasing Karls.

“Nice to meet you! It’s so nice to finally meet you after Sappy Nappy told me!” He shook Karls hand up and down rapidly, clearly excited. “He told me how cute you two were but I just didn’t believe him! Come on in, we’re making dinner!” He urged, standing up straight once again, towering over the two mortals who now seemed a bit nervous.

“Daaaad!” Sapnap complained, grabbing his boyfriends hands and dragging them inside, his face bright red from embarrassment. “Just ignore him, he’s old and never gets guests.”

“Not true!” Skeppy shouted from the kitchen but the trio seemed to ignore him.

Bad breezed right past the three and right into the kitchen, practically bouncing on his toes. He always had guests over but it’s been ages since he’s had so many people and he’s never gotten to meet any of Sapnaps partners before! “I hope you all like brisket, adobo, salad and homemade bread!” He called out, peeking at his dough that was proofing on the window sill.

“Holy shit, sounds awesome!” A young voice said, most likely Quackity.

“Language!” Bad corrected sweetly, deeming his dough fine as he covered it back up and went to the fridge to grab some drinks for them.

“Language..?” Quackity mumbled.

“Bad doesn’t like swearing, it’s a personal thing.” Sapnap informed his partner before pulling out two chairs for them like the gentleman he was raised to be.

“Do you two want anything to drink? Karl, Sapnap said you liked this drink called Monster and Quackity, he said you liked coke..? I wasn’t exactly sure if I found the right ones, so forgive me if it's wrong.” He pulled the cans out of the fridge, setting them in front of his son's partners, grinning when their faces lit up.

“Oh hell yeah!” Quackity cheered, cracking open his soda.

“Thank you Mr Halo!” Karl thanked, quickly opening his soda too, doing a cute little cheers with Quackity before drinking but quickly choked, spitting up a bit and looking at Skeppy with horror. “What the fuck is that thing?!” He yelled, clearly freaked out.

“Language!”

“Dude, chill, that’s Skeppy. He’s my dad's husband or whatever.” Sapnap explained, grabbing a paper towel and quickly started cleaning up Karls mess.

“Or whatever? I’ve known you since you were diapers, Sapnap! I’m practically your dad too!” Skeppy crossed his arms, glaring at the three from his perch on the counter.

“Geppy, they didn’t mean anything by it!” Bad reassured him, gently patting his head.

“Y-Yeah, sorry, I thought you were a weird doll or something..” Karl apologized while Quackity immediately bursted out into a fit of laughter, hitting the table and nearly falling out of his chair.

“HEY, YOU TAKE THAT BACK YOU LITTL-” Skeppy tried to launch himself at Karl but Bad caught him with ease, holding him easily despite his squirming.

“Language, Skeppy! I’m sure Karl meant that as a compliment.” He reassured his husband, setting him back down on the counter once he calmed down a bit. “You be nice to Sapnaps boyfriends, we don’t wanna scare them off.”

“Yeah,  _ Skeppy _ , be nice to my boyfriends.” Sapnap teased him like a child, sticking his tongue out just to rub salt into the wound and Quackity, who was just starting to calm down, lost it again.

“Sappy! You be nice too! And go check on the brisket before it burns!” He ordered, pointing a spatula at his child.

“Fine, fine! Karl, Quackity, come with me, I want you to see the backyard too.” Sapnap insisted, grabbing their hands and tugging them until they both got up, grabbing their drinks before they all headed outside.

“Little brats…” Skeppy grumbled the second they were outside.

“Don’t be so grumpy, they’re both humans. I’m sure Sapnap was the strangest thing they’ve ever seen until a few moments ago.” He reassured his partner, stirring the adobo. “I hope I’m cooking this right…”

“I’m sure it’ll turn out amazing no matter what you do, Bad.” Skeppy reassured him, standing up on the counter and wandering over to the window above the sink to spy on Sapnap. “Hmm…”

“Oh! Can you see the brisket from there? How does it look?” He questioned, not wanting to leave his spot by the oven just in case.

“Look’s great, could use a few more minutes though. Sapnap is currently chasing his boyfriends around with a sharp prong thing so I don’t think they’ll notice me spying on them anytime soon.” Skeppy informed him, slowly taking out his phone. “You think I should take a picture? We could get it framed later.”

“Yes! Take a picture, take a picture!” He insisted, leaning over, trying to look out through the window from his spot but couldn’t see much besides the occasional dash of a human. “Awhh! They look adorable together!”

“Bad, Sapnap is trying to kill his partners. I see the murderous intent in his eyes.” Skeppy took a few photos and a short video before putting his phone away, stepping over the sink so he could stand by Bad.

“You always think Sappy is going to kill something.” 

“Probably because I’ve seen him kill things.”

Bad rolled his eyes. “We agreed not to mention the pets again, Skeppy. Those were accidents!”

“I’m just saying, if we get mysteriously murdered in the middle of the night, it’s your fault!” Skeppy sat down near the oven, stealing a carrot from the salad bowl and munched on it. He was sure to complain of a stomach ache later, his body not meant to consume anything other than rocks and ores and the occasional sweet.

“Oh hush, Sappy would never murder us. Now, make sure you send those pictures to my phone so if Sapnap finds it we have two backups.” He urged, flipping the chicken over and spooned some oil on it to prevent it from drying out.

“I’m just saying he gets a little trigger happy when it comes to sharp objects and his own fireballs. Remember your neighbors?”

Bad gave him a look, wanting to drop the subject. “My Sappy is a sweet gentleman who is currently playing with his boyfriends in the backyard, I’d very much appreciate it if you stopped bringing up things we swore not to talk about.”

Skeppy sighed, standing up on his tiptoes to give Bad a cheek kiss. “You’re right, I’m sorry.” He sat back down, watching the chicken get cooked. “It’s kinda cute, watching them all goof around. I’d say it reminds me of us when we were younger but I don’t think we were ever that loud and annoying.”

Bad chuckled, rolling his eyes. “I’m sure twenty other people would beg to differ, Geppy. Sappys always been more content with loud, expressive people, especially jokesters. I’m just glad he chose such sweet people! Two cuties for sure!”

“Alright, you can stop calling them cute.”

“Why? Are you getting jealous?” Bad teased, reaching over to pinch Skeppys cheek. “Is my Geppy getting jealous ‘cause I keep complimenting other people?”

“Baaad, stop!” Skeppy pushed his hand away, pouting. “Sapnap was right, you’re being extra embarrassing today.”

“Wha- I am not embarrassing! Is showing my love and appreciation embarrassing?!”

“Kinda, yeah.”

“What-” Bad huffed, crossing his arms. “You’re the embarrassing one, swearing and trying to attack our guests! Our  _ son's _ guests!”

“They had it coming!” Skeppy defended himself, standing up and crossing his arms as well.

“Geppy, you can’t just attack people, that’s wrong! Even if they’re mean to you! Attacking guests is even worse!”

“You can’t tell me what to do!”

“Oh,  _ I _ can’t tell you what to do?!”

“Yeah!”

“Then what am I doing right now, genius?!”

“Burning the chicken!” Sapnap interrupted, shoving past the two so he could take the hot pan off the stove, turning off the burner. “Bad, look! It’s completely charred now!”

“Yeah, Bad!” Skeppy stuck his tongue out and blew a raspberry at him.

“Oh, that is  _ it _ , Mister!” Bad grabbed him and carried him over to the fridge, setting him on top of it. “You’re in time out until you learn how to be nice!” He turned away, huffing as he started getting out plates.

“LIVING WITH YOU IS A NIGHTMARE!” Skeppy shouted, stomping his feet.

“Oh yeah?! I WISH WE NEVER MET!!” Bad shouted back, stomping his foot right back but that just caused the whole floor to shake.

“Don’t worry, they do this.” Sapnap reassured his terrified partners, grabbing the plates from Bad and started setting the table while they yelled at each other.

“I HATE YOU!”

“I HATE YOU TOO!”

“Fine!”

“Fine!”

Silence filled the kitchen as Bad and Skeppy turned from each other, arms crossed, backs facing each other. Sapnap was used to this and continued setting the table, plates and silverware clinking.

“You sure they always do this..?” Quackity questioned, slowly taking his seat.

“Yeah, it’s normal. They like being dramatic, it prevents real fights from popping up.” Sapnap reassured him again, pushing in Quackity’s seat, pulling out Karls too.

“I guess that makes sense..” Karl sat down again, quietly thanking Sapnap. “It’s kinda like watching a telenovela..”

“I’m kinda into it. Free entertainment and food.” Quackity sipped his coke, watching the two slowly break their angry silence.

“Baaad..” Skeppy finally spoke up, turning around guiltily. “It’s cold up here, can you bring me down..?”

Bad looked over his shoulder, glaring at Skeppy. “You promise to be nice?”

“I promise!” Skeppy held up his hand in a faux pledge and grinned when Bad walked back over and picked him up. “Yay! Thank you, Bad!”

“Dude, your family is insane.” Quackity chuckled, sitting back in his seat.

“Eh, you get used to it. Now, who’s ready for dinner?!” Sapnap grinned as his family and partner cheered. If they thought that was insane, just wait till after dinner when the two got  _ really _ grumpy.

**Author's Note:**

> thanks for reading! i honestly didn't go through and edit this very thoroughly so there might be a ton of mistakes but whatever. please check out my tumblr valerian-valentine-2 and please tell me what you think of the fic!


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